A Million Golden Pennies Worth

A Chance For Life

I was never one to believe in such things but right now with a bullet hole in my belly and my lifeblood oozing out of me, I have conclusive proof beyond a shadow of doubt that your life does flash before your eyes at the moment of death. 

I remember the poverty, the hunger, the lack. I remember my family's appeal that a happy poor family is better than whatever advantage selling your soul to the devil (as my mother put it) would get you. Most Importantly I remember the hardness of my heart. My mind was made up, I am not going to stay here with everyone in this run down worse than ghetto place and if they won't come with me I will go myself, if they won't take what I give I will keep it and when, and I was sure it was when, they needed my help they would come for it. 

They never came and that angered me more. 

It hurt me that they did not understand, that they did not want something better. 

I was just tired of being the scrawny, dirty hungry kid. The young boy with nothing to look forward to, that even the neighbourhood girls in the same situation would not bat an eyelid at me, nothing to offer. 

I couldn't just stay there, I needed to do more and what if my ticket to a better life was in another person's pocket or house why is that so bad? They're the reason we're poor anyway, keeping it all to themselves and never thinking for once to help those that don't have.  

My self righteous family only hardened me in my chosen path with their judgement of me. I was the black sheep of the family. 

But I didn't mind. 

I was Dray. Not Raymond the poor little kid. I was Dray, the man. A nineteen year old with nothing to lose and everything to gain. The bad boy who didn't care who he stepped on to get what he wanted. The bad boy that girls swooped around and good girls' mothers kept their daughters under lock and key to keep them away from him. Dray. Money was my toilet paper, hotels were my home, girls were recreation, the streets my zone and life was good. 

Until I met Abigiel. She showed me the love I never thought I missed. She didn't judge me but she never shied away from telling me the truth. She drew me out of my self, showed me my selfishness, my emptiness, lack of real purpose, my pain, my need and my Godlessness. 

She introduced me to a God who loved me. Who gave Himself for me through His son Jesus to be propitiation for my sin, to be my substitute in all forms of suffering that if I will surrender my life to Him, He will take my pain away, He will take my sin away, He will fill my heart, give me purpose, undying joy and peace that is not influenced by any physical circumstance, He will complete me, He will bring his love and perfection through me to my family and my environment as he is bringing it to me through her. 

I made a decision to follow that God. I experienced the initial burst of Joy. Everything changed in me. My life took on new meaning. I was even ready to return home and show my family the new me. 

But it was not meant to be. I guess no matter how changed you are the laws of nature can't just be changed, what goes around must still come around. I took things away from people that were dear to them now my new life, something dear to me, is being taken away from me. The gang will not hear of me leaving. They consider it betrayal and they hold this paranoid belief that anyone that leaves because of some change of heart or whatever would turn them to the law next. So right here on the side of a crowded street. Retribution has caught up with me. 

At least I am assured of my eternity. Heaven is great, I have heard and nothing on earth can be compared to it. I am going to love it there. 

I smile a contented smile waiting for the pearly gates to open to me. 

Somebody thumped me. My eyes flutter painfully open and I find Abigeil staring down sternly at me. I am so glad she is here so I can thank her for all her love. 

She is not about to hear it. 

She is yelling at me, why? Does she think I went back? That is a painful thought to die with. Do I have enough time to change her mind? 

She is shaking me and yelling at me with tears in her eyes. I don't understand. 

"Who gave you the right to die?" She repeats over and over. 

"Who gave you the right to die?" 

"Who is the owner of your life?" 

I don't understand. 

"Answer me. Who is the owner of your life?" 

"God" It was so hard to speak that she had to lean closer to hear my hoarse whisper. 

"Did He tell you you could die?" 

"Did He give you the go ahead to die?" 

"No" I said, unsure. 

She scowled even darker at me. 

"You think you deserve it don't you? You somehow think it was meant to be. Do you even know what substitution means? When Jesus suffered He took everything. You hear me? EVERYTHING. You don't have any sin, He took your place, old things have passed away and all things have become new. You are a new creature. You never existed, you're righteous, guiltless, innocent. Jesus took everything" 

"And He loves you" This she said with a softened voice. Then her voice became hard and stern again. 

"Now answer me did God, the owner of your life, give you permission to die?" 

"No" 

"Good" 

"Now who will you believe. Those gang bangers who think you don't deserve a second chance or God?" 

I believe her but it's too late I've been shot and I am dying. I can feel myself slipping away. Unconsciousness stealing over me and I know that if I go now I will never return. 

"Who will you believe?" she is shouting now. The desperation evident in her voice she wants me to answer but I can't. My mouth is heavy, I can't speak, I am slipping away. 

"Raymond answer me. Who will you believe? The difference between life and death, the difference between success and failure, the difference between being lost and being found is faith in God. All you gotta do is believe God and he'll make everything all right." 

"Raymond?" 

"Raymond"  

I can still hear her but it's sounds like I am in a tunnel and her voice is from the outside, hollow and far away. 

"Raymond who will you believe? The God who made the heavens and the earth, who made the steel and the weapon maker? Who will you believe Raymond?" 

"God" I whisper and from the tunnel a beacon of light led me out. 

She smiles. She knows I will survive. And even as I was wheeled into the ambulance fully awake I knew I had survived. I will live. I will live the fullness of the new life I have found.